Jon's game: Lyla

Soitu on 9/29/2021 10:31:24 AM
Episode last modified by Soitu on 9/30/2021 7:21:20 AM

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Emily took a short time to process what had just happened. The rat had disappeared, she had won! She grinned, it might not have been much, but it was the first thing that felt like a real accomplishment for her since she began this game. "YES!" She shouted while raising her fist in the air. Karyn couldn't help but laugh "Ah ah... I'm sorry J... Emily! It just that... You look so proud of yourself for killing a rat smaller than your feet! Ah ah!" Emily blushed as the elation she felt earlier disappeared. "Hey! It was harder than it looked!" She defended herself, but it only made her friend laugh harder. She wanted to say more but she realized it would only make Karyn laugh even more, so instead, she looked at her hand. Replacing the rat were two small items: a rat tooth and a rat tail. They quickly disappeared into her inventory before she could examine them. She was going to open her menu when a sound near her made her remember why she was here. The rat wasn't her objective, it was the girl still curled up near the wall. She approached her slowly. "It's alright, now. You're safe." She said softly, causing the girl to look at her with teary eyes. "You're Lyla, right?" The girl nodded. "Your mother asked me to find you. She's really worried about you." Lyla seemed to perk up at that, but she quickly became worried. "Mommy told me to stay with her, but I saw a kitty and I wanted to pet it, so I followed it here... And now mommy will scold me..." She was ready to cry again. "No. Don't cry! No one will scold you... But we need to get you back to your mom now..." "You promise?" Lyla asked. Emily smiled. "I promise." The girl took a second to consider it before standing up while sniffing. "Thank you, lady." Emily cringed. "Hum... You can call me Emily..." She said and cringed again. She had wanted to say Jon. "Okay, lady Emily." Emily sighed at her own failure but said nothing and they began walking hand in hand toward the marketplace where Lyla's mother should already be waiting. "You're pretty good with kids." Emily heard Karyn say. She had stopped laughing while Emily talked to Lyla. Emily couldn't answer, so she simply smiled at her. Emily and Lyla didn't talk much on the way, but it wasn't silent either. Karyn had gotten a new tutorial after the fight with the rat and she was reading it aloud to Emily. She already expected most things but the mastery system caught her attention. "The more you fight with a weapon or unarmed, the more mastery you gain with a type of weapon and the more proficient Emily will be at wielding it. The same can be applied to skills..." Karyn read. Emily wondered if this was what the game had talked about that would make her a better fighter. A quick look in her menu showed she now had a new tab called *masteries* and *unarmed LV.1* inside. When they finally got to the marketplace, Lyla's mother was already waiting for them anxiously. It had already been five minutes since she got there but Emily was nowhere to be seen, making her imagination run wild as to what could have happened. However, all that disappeared the moment she saw her daughter with Emily. She ran toward them at full speed and embraced Lyla while crying in relief. Emily didn't say anything, letting them have their reunion, but she was thinking about something else. She didn't forget it was a quest, and that meant there would be a reward now that she had finished it, but she was worried as to what it would be. "Thank you!" The woman finally acknowledged Emily's presence. "I really don't know how to thank you enough... I'm Elira." "I'm Emily, and it was nothing." "No it was not! My daughter told me you saved her from a giant rat." "It wasn't that big..." Emily said, but her grin showed she clearly appreciated that someone recognized her accomplishment, even if it was exaggerated. "I want to give you something as thanks, can you come with me for a bit?" The woman asked. "Sure, I guess... I don't have anything else to do right now." Emily said, hoping she'd like the reward and began following her.

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English fixes! "You're pretty good with kid." should be "You're pretty good with kids." "She had stopped laughing while she talked to Lyla." This one isn't wrong at all, but consider replacing at least one, probably both, of the "she's" with a name, it's confusing since it's not obvious when you get to the word which of the 3 possible characters it means. "the mastery you gain with this type of weapon and the more proficient Emily will be at wielding it" seems to me that it should be "the more mastery you gain with a type of weapon the more proficient Emily will be at wielding it"


bigbustgazer

9/30/2021 1:56:59 AM

Thank you! I made the corrections you pointed out. I know I can make a lot of errors and I really apprectiate what you did.


Soitu

9/30/2021 7:34:48 AM

Just want to add in that I'm enjoying this storyline! I'm only posting the English corrections because you say on your profile that you're open to it and I like what you're doing!


bigbustgazer

9/30/2021 2:01:12 AM

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